Tuesday, January 03, 2006

To Serve Man: German Cannibal "Eats & Tells"

Guest blogger, Matt St. Amand, taking dictation from Pryvett Rodgers:

That roguish German Cannibal is back in the news. After biting off more than he could chew a couple of years ago, he returned to his madcap capers. (If you are unfamiliar with the case, it is worth noting that cannibalism is not illegal in Germany.) Well, it seems the German Cannibal proved a slave to his urges once more, but this time has been sentenced to jail for his deeds.

Some of the details coming out at his trial:
  • Believe it or not, the German Cannibal did not go out kidnapping his victims like a traditional, or "old-school" serial killer. Instead, he turned to the Internet for victims. And what a willing lot he found. There are actually people out there who get some sort of sexual thrill thinking about being slaughtered and consumed by another human being. One of these guys contacted the German Cannibal, insisting that the German Cannibal burn the man's testicles with a blow-torch before killing and eating him. This fellow was actually rejected by the German Cannibal, who professed to have "standards," and could not abide by this man's degenerate request.

  • Another willing victim who contacted the German Cannibal sought to be decapitated. Boy, he must have been surprised when the German Cannibal said, "Sir, I do not go in for such low-rent deeds." And rejected him. As The Kid From Brooklyn would say, Un-fucking-believable, though it is heartening to know that even cannibals possess some sense of decorum, propriety, and professionalism.

  • Another willing victim asked to be collected at his home by the German Cannibal in a cattle truck, as though he were a head of livestock. This, too, the German Cannibal refused to do, saying he did not do "pick ups." The German Cannibal told the man to take the train to his residence. This seemed to offend the prospective human meal, who cut off contact with the German Cannibal, saying, "I do not think we're going to make a connection."

  • One man with whom the German Cannibal did connect ended up on a meat hook in the cannibal's "butcher room." However, the German Cannibal soon decided that the room was too cold for the skewered man, and so he let him down and sent him home. Not before sharing a frozen pizza with him.

  • The German Cannibal prided himself on being a meticulous, gifted butcher and could tell his victims -- before killing them -- how much meat he could render from them based on their body weight

  • In court, the German Cannibal revealed that he wanted to sell his story to Hollywood for $1 million. What would he do with this windfall? Get takeout? It would appear that the Food Network has missed a golden opportunity to snap-up this prodigy of Xtreme Kooking.
In fairness, it should be noted that the German Cannibal had ample evidence of his victims' consent and complicity. Police had a hard time moving on him because the German Cannibal possessed numerous email messages from his victims plotting out their demise. But, finally, he has been nabbed.

Now that he is off to serve his sentence, it is my hope that authorities do not allow the German Cannibal to work in the prison kitchen. Bon appetit, Dieter!


Blogger Whetam Knauckweirst said...

Does chewing the inside of my mouth constitute "cannibalism"? It's soft and bloodless, just as I imagine raw squid being -- though I'm too squeamish to try that.

8:09 PM  
Blogger Whetam Knauckweirst said...

Have you seen the latest news on this case? The German Cannibal got a life sentence.

9:02 AM  

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